Time flies. It's been a year since I've been with him. My best friend, my love, my future. He was a person I was familiar with in the past. It's weird how fate brought us together because I remembered liking everyone except him back then. He gave me a strong impression for disturbing me way too much that I told myself, "I'll never like this fella". But the tables were turned, and he's now the one I adore, admire, and love the most.
One year on, it never occurred to me that we'd reach this far. When I first met him, I was still struggling to remove my past; I kept reminding myself that this, too, shall pass. Every day, I sincerely prayed to God that I'd be able to find someone that could genuinely love me, more than I could ever love him. I went for my pilgrimage, with the hopes that I could heal my heart and soul. I even tried going on lots of dating apps. All these efforts, yet I still cried for the same guy after coming back from pilgrimage, thinking that no one could ever be like him; I still couldn't find the one.
But fate works most beautifully; God finally granted me what I've been wishing for the past 25 years. Two weeks later, 6 January 2023, as I was commuting back home from having dinner with my good friend, I received a message from someone I swiped right on on Muzz. I previously anticipated his message, thinking that he'd start a conversation, but he went quiet after swiping right on me, so I brushed things off. But this man popped again soon enough; my guts told me that this guy felt right.
We chatted for a bit and things went well. I enjoyed talking to him, but have yet to catch feelings for him, especially ever since I found out that we were schoolmates. I couldn't look at him the same way ever since. I got less attracted to him, thinking that I wouldn't want to settle with someone I was familiar with. I asked around for opinions; should we continue to be friends? Or should I try to work things out? Everyone told me that I should give him a chance. I could also tell that he was very determined to get to know me. I remember being impressed when he searched about me on the internet. He even tried cooking spaghetti for me. From then on, I told God that if he's the one for me, I hope to open my heart for him and to genuinely love him for who he is.
It was not even a week ever since we recontacted. We met again in 14 years, on 9 January 2023. He told me that he wanted to buy me taro pie from Burger King. I was taken aback. Things were moving too fast. I told my best friends; everyone got excited. When he came by my workplace to hand me my pie, I pretended to be cool; it was my first time seeing him again after 14 years. I clearly was not impressed. He didn't look like how I'd imagined him to be. I asked myself, do I really want to continue this? It'd be unfair for me to continue if I didn't have any feelings for him. But I asked God again, and my instincts said yes. I decided to give him another chance.
11 January 2023
We had our first date. An official one. It was somewhere we both didn't quite enjoy haha. I waited for him to fetch me from work. I wasn't anticipating anything because I didn't want to put up hopes on him, and also on myself. Yet, I did feel nervous as I couldn't think of any conversation starters. When he reached my workplace, I pretended to be calm. I boarded the car and the rest was history. We reminisced a lot about the old days, and he confessed that he didn't recall me. Although it felt awkward, I enjoyed the date. It felt pretty much like a dinner with an old friend. I came back and Mum asked me who I had gone out with. I told her it was an old friend, and told her more about him. Mum told me to give him a chance; he seemed like a nice guy. So I did. Just a few days later, he asked me out again. This time, he wanted to spend time longer outdoors. I decided to give it a go.
14 January 2023
Our second date was at a light festival. Not really our cup of tea. We just went along with the vibes. We took quite a handful of photos. I remembered he brought me close to him, his hands tightly grabbing onto my shoulder. It's been way too long since someone did that to me. I felt butterflies in my tummy. That was when I decided to hold his hands. It was my first time holding a man's hand. Yes, after 25 years, that was my first. It gave me butterflies.
We walked around the festival before sitting near the Singapore River. I naturally leaned on his shoulder. It was my first, I never did that to any other guys. I felt happy. Very happy in fact. He sent me home soon after and talked for a bit more through text. The next thing I know, he confessed.
I didn't know how to react. It was going way too fast. It's been just a week. We were only on our second date and he already made a confession. I panicked and asked my close friends for opinions. They told me to give him an answer as we celebrate his birthday. And so, I decided to plan everything out with my best friend. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to say yes the moment I brought him his birthday cake.
Obviously, that didn't happen. It felt weird to be saying yes in front of my friends. I told myself to wait for the perfect moment.
It was at Gardens By The Bay. We walked around for a bit before settling down near the dome. I actually had a script planned out. But I couldn't express them the way I wanted. My brain was all over. So I only asked, "Remember what you asked me last week? Do you want to know my answer?" That look on his face when I said yes. It was something I can never forget. I decided to give him a chance. He looked so happy - he had his brightest smile. It too felt like the best moment of my life, although I wasn't truly in love with him at that point. Even so, I knew he was the one. His sincerity and determination made me believe that he was the one, and I decided to give him a chance.
This was captured right after I said yes. We looked so happy. I wish to stay happy this way for a long time. It felt surreal (and still does even up to this point), like, hey, I have a boyfriend now?
A year has passed, and I am glad we crossed paths again. He was a blessing in my life. He made me happy. He was there for me when I felt empty. He was my listening ear and my biggest supporter. I couldn't thank him enough for everything we've been through. Sure, it wasn't all sweet. Things can get prickly too sometimes, like a rose — they look and smell appealing, but if vigorously touched, the thorns might hurt.
Farhan, if you are reading this, which I'm pretty sure you will, I would like to thank you for this journey. You've taught me a lot. I would have never imagined myself being with someone who'd love me so dearly. Being single for more than 25 years has made me believe that I was not worth being loved. I was convinced that no one was going to love me; I could never find anyone who'd treasure me enough. It made me have negative thoughts - I often tell myself I am not even pretty, I am fat, I am short, I have ugly dark skin, and I probably don't even have good character. To me, it only made sense since no one was attracted to this hopeless romantic self. Rejections after rejections, it did nothing but dampened my self-esteem. I was, and still am, very much insecure of how I am when I'm with you. To this day, I still do feel this way at times because this mindset has been embroidered for a long time, and I couldn't remove it even if I wanted to.
I am thankful you are still here to tell me that I am in fact, so pretty, and I do have a nice character. I hope that you can bear my negative thoughts and with me as a whole person. I know I am not perfect and am always insecure. I know I can be a handful. But you accepted me the way I am. I can't thank you enough for this. I want you to know that you've been the best thing to ever happened in my life, and I don't wish to find anyone else in this lifetime. I hope that fate will eventually bring us together and that we can ultimately achieve our goal of tying the knot. I want you to know that it is you that I want to spend my old days together with, till death do us part. It is you that I want to spend time with in Jannatul Firdaus. I love you and will always love you, till the end of time.
Signing off with lots of love for Mohammad Farhan,
Putri Mardhiyah Yazid.
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